Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise canprolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, andthat's it... don't waste them on exercise.Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up yourheart will not make you live longer; that's likesaying you can extend the life of your car bydriving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruitsand vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. Whatdoes a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these?Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than anefficient mechanism of delivering vegetables toyour system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is alsoa good source of field grass (green leafyvegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% ofyour recommended daily allowance of vegetableproducts.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take thewater out of the fruity bit so you get even moreof the goodness that way. Beer is also made out ofgrain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat,your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies,your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages ofparticipating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. Myphilosophy is: No Pain...No Pain!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried thesedays in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeatedin it. How could getting more vegetables be badfor you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting alittle soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, itgets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups ifyou want a bigger stomach.(Now I know what happened to me...)

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans!Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good foodaround!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explainwhales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! You are in shape! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather toskid in sideways - your favorite beverage in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, what a ride!"